Classifieds

LOST:
A clean house free of tumbleweed sized dust bunnies made of pet hair.
Patience for dog training and cat brushing.
The energy to distinguish between dog toys and baby toys.
Agility to stop the cats before they swat at the baby when they’ve had enough of her kisses.
The ability to stop swearing at the dog even when the baby repeats it.
The willpower to break the dog’s bad habit of going outside, inside, outside, inside, outside, inside, outside to search for bunnies, inside to leave muddy paw prints on the freshly mopped floor, all within one hour.


FREE TO GOOD HOME: Two indoor tabby cats; one gray and sagging, one brown tiger striped with black tipped ears. Male. Neutered. Front and back claws included. Sheds. Hates vacuums. Old, tired, and cranky when hungry. Great companions for lounging. Litter box trained, except if box has lid. May need sedative or suit of armor for vet visits. Not good with kids, dogs, other cats, old people, pre-pubescent teens, mother-in-laws. Requires prescription “Science Diet” to prevent formation of crystals in urine. Eleven-year-old, 20-pound gray cat hates dogs, anything that moves quickly, small children. Tendency to swipe. Loves to cuddle if you’re feeling blue. Stalks until allowed to sit on lap. Prefers being carried over shoulder to walking. Passive aggressive. Hisses without reason or provocation. Licks hand lotion. Enjoys hiding between shower curtains while water is running. Ten-year-old, 15-pound brown striped cat likes to eat. Often. Whines relentlessly if not fed. Stands up on hind legs for treats. Propensity to swat objects off tables, pushes lamps, turns off alarm clocks. Not allowed in bedroom at night; destroys things at 2am out of perceived hunger. Wraps paw under closed bedroom door and rattles it. Prefers own company. Drools while kneading. Pulls thumbtacks off bulletin board with mouth. Sleeps in closets on dirty laundry.
These cats come as a set.

ALSO FREE TO GOOD HOME: Four-year-old, 40-pound beagle mix. Male. Neutered. Black, brown, white-tipped tail, pink striped nose. Healthy and current with shots. House trained and winner of Best in Class in obedience training. Does not come when called, does not sit on command. Finally responds to yelling. “Home Again” microchip in neck included. Enjoys walks. Chases squirrels and pees on every single tree. New owner must be able to withstand pull of crazed dog when he spots rabbits. Barks. A lot. At cats on couches, bees in flowers, and imaginary buglers in window. Does not bark at strangers. Citronella-spraying bark collar included. Fetches. Does not give stick back. Sleeps with humans. Prefers to be carried up stairs and hogs bed. Loves cats. Too much. Quickly forgets cat swipes across nose with sharp claws. Licks baby’s faces, cleans floors and dishes. Does not eat vegetables, Cheerios, or grapes. Pilfers and rolls in wet bath towels and rubs face in clean hair. Tendency to snatch baby bunnies on the run and adult birds from mid-air. Occasional gassiness, devours Greenie bones, chokes on rawhide chews. A year’s supply of treats included; needed to entice dog into house at midnight. Hates baths. Tolerates wet cloth wipe downs. Excitedly greets anyone who walks in the door. Jumps. Loves dog parks. Great with kids and other dogs.
Fenced-in yard preferred.

DESPERATELY SEEKING: A lifetime supply of cleaner for coughed-up cat hairballs. Lint brushes. The freedom to turn over in bed.

PERSONALS: In search of the perfect companion. Loyal. Trustworthy. Someone who won’t need therapy because they’re blamed for everything that’s gone wrong on any given day. Someone who is genuinely happy to see you, even if you’ve been gone for five minutes. Someone who is always home, curled up on the back of the sofa, purring patiently for attention.

FOUND: Unconditional love and forgiveness from someone who doesn’t hold it against you when you curse them for chewing a rug or vomiting on the mail left on the dining room table, leaving them at places with catchy names like “Dog Day Getaway” or “Pets Are Inn” for a week where they sleep in a small room, alone, on the cold, tiled floor, and putting Santa hats and reindeer ears on their heads and hold them in place while flashing bright lights in their eyes.