The Importance of an RSVP

RSVP: “Répondez s'il vous plaît", a French phrase that translates to "reply, please." or literally "respond, if you please". It is with this meaning that invitation cards and similar documents are often marked with "R.S.V.P." It is standard practice to reply to an RSVP request whether confirming attendance or declining.[ Wikipedia]

The first time I understood the importance of RSVP was planning my wedding. It was important to know how many people were coming so we had enough food. (Although, as it turns out, it didn’t matter because the caterer had 100 person minimum and we only sent out 75 invites.) Nevertheless, it was nice to know if who we invited was coming especially since we painstakingly reviewed, edited, added, and deleted many people from our list.

I understood the theory of the percentage of RSVP returns for wedding invitations, but I never could wrap my head around how hard it was to check a box on a card and drop it in the mail – especially when it was addressed and stamped.

I waited for weeks for people to RSVP. This was especially maddening because we invited some people out of obligation (out-of-town family, long-time friends that we don’t see often) but I really wanted to invited co-workers, people I see almost everyday. A couple weeks before the wedding, I sheepishly invited some of my co-workers. None of them came and while I think some had legitimate reasons, I’m sure the others felt like sloppy seconds.

Fast forward 8 years and now we’re planning our daughter’s 4th birthday party, which also happens to be her Golden Birthday. We’ve been talking about it for months and the invite list is very important to our daughter. She was adamant and specific about who was to come. I distributed the 7 invitations with RSVP requests and even provided two RSVP ways – a phone number and an email address. I received one phone call, two emails and an in-person confirmation. As for the others, I emailed two of the mothers I know to ask if they received the invitation – which they did. Both of them were very cavalier about saying they were coming – as if it was an afterthought. I’m still waiting for one more RSVP.

And this is where it gets sticky…

The unknown RSVP happens to be my daughter’s current BFF. She is in her class at school and every time we talk about who is coming to her birthday party, she says her BFF’s name first. I try to explain to her that I don’t know if BFF is coming because I haven’t heard from her Mommy. I know my daughter doesn’t understand this and will be completely crushed if BFF doesn’t show up.

How do I explain delinquent manners to a 4-year-old? How do I say in kid-speak that some people don’t follow the same social etiquette we do? How am I going to keep her from whining (and possibly crying) at her birthday party because her BFF didn’t show up? If her mother would simply pick up the phone and/or drop me an email and tell me they aren’t coming, then I can absolutely prepare my daughter that her BFF can’t come. She’ll understand that – she doesn’t understand vague. Things are very black & white to my daughter, as I think they are for most kids her age.

Why wouldn’t you tell someone you are showing up at a party? What if I assume you’re not coming because I haven’t heard from you and I don’t have enough food when you show up? Birthday parties these days require gift bags (A phenomena I don’t understand and wonder when it started…I never left a birthday party with gifts…?) and what if I don’t have a gift bag for your daughter because you didn’t tell me you were coming? Or I assume you’re coming and you don’t and now I have an extra gift bag – just more crap toys I have to push around in the playroom.

A friend recently experienced the same situation, except she only received 1 RSVP. A week before the party, she hastily invited a few more kids to the party so her son wouldn’t be devastated with only 1 party guest. She didn’t want him to remember his 6th birthday party when only 1 kid showed up and how she couldn’t prepare him for it because no one bothered to let her know if they were coming.

I think an RSVP is a necessary part of an active social life. It’s the simple polite thing to do.