Somebody, I beg you to make me temporarily deaf. Help. I’m at a coffee shop right now working on some essays and there is a singing duo “performing” with a guitar and sound system – they have a whole set up to present themselves as professionals. And they are completely HORRIBLE – especially the woman.
I know I should just leave, but I already bought my decaf caramel mocha and if I go to another place, I’d have to buy something else to take up space in their shop and use their wifi and I really don’t want to. I have limited time and I’m not that crazy about coffee. Okay, now the guy is singing and he is equally awful – they both SUCK. Clearly the coffee shop owner didn’t listen to the demo tape before she agreed to let them play. People are clapping for them – they must be friends or are so hopped up on coffee they can’t distinguish between good and horribly awful sounds – because that what this noise is – just some really horrible sounds pretending to be singing.
Who are these delusional people who believe they can, or worse, should sing in public? They clearly invested some time and money to learn songs, have their own sound system, and secure coffee shop gigs. But really truly, they can’t sing. I am no singer despite studying it in college, but I think at least I can carry a tune (in the shower) but I have enough humility to not attempt this form of creative expression in public. This is not unlike sitting through a high school choir concert, feigning a smile as your best friend slaughters the “The Rose”. The only people not wincing are her mother and grandmother. The choir teacher is accompanying her on the piano, so she doesn’t have to take responsibility - her only charge is to ensure confidence and spirit in the mind of young impressionable teens.
Oh, now this is just cruel – the female part of this god-forsaken is performing duo is singing Joni Mitchell. Oh god, now he joined in. They're singing, “I really don’t know clouds at all” as a duet. A double dose of complete and utter suckness. I will have to blast Joni Mitchell when I get home to eradicate the annoying tinning sound haunting my internal auditory system.
“What would you do if I sang out of tune” he bellows. Bodily harm is not out of the question at this point.
These are the people who try out for American Idol and land themselves on the audition shows that kick-off the season, whose sole funtion is to poke fun at the lack of ability to carry a tune.
Where is Simon Cowell when you need him?
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Stop and go away
A few things that I need to never hear about or see again:
- Paris Hilton
- Jessica Simpson
- Celebrities who have babies (and shouldn’t. i.e. Britney Spears)
- Celebrity couples who have one name (Brangelina, TomKat, also see #3)
- Patrick Dempsey’s hair
- Keanu Reeves in romance movies (with Sandra Bullock)
- Dumb celebrity baby names like Inspecktor Fighter Pilot, Apple, and Moxie
- All of the Desperate Housewives
- Fear Factor and Big Brother (I never saw them; just stop showing the commercials!)
- Fox news briefs
Friday, June 09, 2006
Graduation
Last weekend I attended my oldest niece's high school graduation. In two weeks I attend my 20 year high school graduation reunion.
When did all this happen? It sounds so cliche to say, but where did time go? It's true what they say you know, it happens before you notice.
One day you're holding your 6-year-old niece in your arms and she is wiping the strawberry Lip Smacker from your mouth with her tiny fingers to apply it to her own lips. The next day, you're wondering when did she grow breasts and why is she wearing French manicured finger nails?
At her open-house graduation party, as I fed my 20-month-old grapes from my plate, I eavesdropped on her friends. Not that 18-year-olds have enough deep insight to hold anyone's attention for very long, they were a little more interesting than the game of repeating "yes, grape" while my daughter said "gape". They said they were free and it hasn't sunk in that they won't go to high school anymore. Maybe I looked for myself in their circle. Was I really ever that wide-eyed and optimistic? I was probably just as naive in thinking that life just got easier. I was free to do what I wanted and didn't have to answer to anyone.
As I said my goodbyes, holding my baby and hugging my niece, the generational tug and the maternal instinct took over. I told her that in a few weeks I was going to my high school graduation. Her eyes grew wide and quizzical as she jetted her jaw forward. As if she had a hard time believing I went to high school at all and that I perhaps felt the same way she felt right then.
"Wow," she said.
"Hard to believe, I know. Look at 20 years gone by," I said.
As she looked me over, I thought don't look at the wrinkles, or the baby on my hip, or my freshly dyed hair to cover the gray. Remember everything you always knew about your cool Auntie Lori who went to college. Remember when I went to Europe. Remember when I lived in New York. Remember when you visited me in the cities and we went to Valleyfair. Remember our talk and my advice about college life. She smiled and I believed that somehow she knew what I meant.
In just a few weeks, I'll be discussing my life so far over cocktails (more like beer; I'm from a small town!) with my classmates. I will ask if they remember how they felt on graduation day. Will there be a bit of that optimism left or will it have turn to humorous sarcasm, as it has in my case.
Nevertheless, I would not change a minute of the last 20 years. Well, maybe I would realize sooner how quickly it goes by.
When did all this happen? It sounds so cliche to say, but where did time go? It's true what they say you know, it happens before you notice.
One day you're holding your 6-year-old niece in your arms and she is wiping the strawberry Lip Smacker from your mouth with her tiny fingers to apply it to her own lips. The next day, you're wondering when did she grow breasts and why is she wearing French manicured finger nails?
At her open-house graduation party, as I fed my 20-month-old grapes from my plate, I eavesdropped on her friends. Not that 18-year-olds have enough deep insight to hold anyone's attention for very long, they were a little more interesting than the game of repeating "yes, grape" while my daughter said "gape". They said they were free and it hasn't sunk in that they won't go to high school anymore. Maybe I looked for myself in their circle. Was I really ever that wide-eyed and optimistic? I was probably just as naive in thinking that life just got easier. I was free to do what I wanted and didn't have to answer to anyone.
As I said my goodbyes, holding my baby and hugging my niece, the generational tug and the maternal instinct took over. I told her that in a few weeks I was going to my high school graduation. Her eyes grew wide and quizzical as she jetted her jaw forward. As if she had a hard time believing I went to high school at all and that I perhaps felt the same way she felt right then.
"Wow," she said.
"Hard to believe, I know. Look at 20 years gone by," I said.
As she looked me over, I thought don't look at the wrinkles, or the baby on my hip, or my freshly dyed hair to cover the gray. Remember everything you always knew about your cool Auntie Lori who went to college. Remember when I went to Europe. Remember when I lived in New York. Remember when you visited me in the cities and we went to Valleyfair. Remember our talk and my advice about college life. She smiled and I believed that somehow she knew what I meant.
In just a few weeks, I'll be discussing my life so far over cocktails (more like beer; I'm from a small town!) with my classmates. I will ask if they remember how they felt on graduation day. Will there be a bit of that optimism left or will it have turn to humorous sarcasm, as it has in my case.
Nevertheless, I would not change a minute of the last 20 years. Well, maybe I would realize sooner how quickly it goes by.
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