Bullying. Teasing. Taunting. Ridiculing. Ribbing. Messing around. I’m just playing with ya. I’m Kidding. Just Joking. No matter what you call it, it’s mean. Pure and simple. While the teaser may think it’s all in fun (what’s wrong with a bit of good-nature ribbing) I can assure you that the teased do not always see it that way.
When does it cross the line? When does “joking around” cause children to kill themselves? These are questions no one can answer – not the victim or the victimizer.
Too many recent suicides are a little to late to get people up in arms over this seemingly senseless rite of passage. Right or wrong, every child experiences some level of bullying. When does innocent joking cross into cruelty? Every child reacts differently. Personally, I don't deal very well with teasing, no matter whom it comes from or how innocuous it is. As an adult, I’ve learned to smile and change the subject. As a child, I usually burst into tears. As a teen, I learned to not let it show that it bothered me, instead I quietly cried myself to sleep.
I have an unscientific and not-based-on-facts theory that kids with older brothers/siblings, tend to adapt better to a bit of teasing. These kids learn early and accept it as the way it is. Perhaps it is a form of humor. It is also accepted and evident in sports because it is where they first experience it outside their family. Not that I have or ever will be a member of a sports team, however I get the sense that it is a part of team building and sportsmanship – a little bit of joking around might be okay. However, as kids grow up and realize the power they can have over another human being, this mild form of bullying can be taken too far. Specifically in the case of hazing, a notorious unauthorized price of admission for many fraternities, sororities, and sports teams.
Hazing, of course, is an extreme form of bullying. And naturally, it is illegal. But what about taunting a child? Calling him names as he walks down the hall at school. School is a pinnacle of higher learning. It’s a place where kids are supposed to feel safe and flourish, not shamed and humiliated.
Bullying has been around since the beginning of time. It now has an official name – one that everyone unfortunately knows all too well. During junior high and high school I was both prey and predator. My worst offense was name-calling. And my junior year of high school, I was duly paid back for my part in this crime by being called names. A few times, the names were chanted at me from the bleachers as I stood on the basketball court, doing a cheer routine for the team. Yes, even as a cheerleader I was taunted.
To this day, I do not and will not forget or forgive my tormentors, who were a small group of older boys. (Nor do I forget the girl whom, together with a group of others caused much anguish and torment in junior high.) The hardest part for me and I suppose for any kid who gets bullied is the confusion. I never did anything to these kids. I never spoke a word to them before, during, or after this angst-filled time. Trying to understand “why” is what keeps you awake a night.
Yesterday I read an article about a 13-year-old who hanged herself from her canopy bed. She had texted a picture of her naked breast to her boyfriend, which then went viral. She was tormented and teased until she couldn’t take it anymore. She’d show them. The saddest part is that even after her death, she was still being called a whore. This story has so many layers of wrong. Too many to examine right now. But I can’t help wondering about the relationship of this 13-year-old girl and her “boyfriend”. Personally, I would die if my 13-year-old daughter even had a boyfriend, especially one that she felt the need to expose herself in such a way. But more importantly, there is a double standard at play here. While this girl, however innocently she thought sending that picture was, it turned her into a pariah. On the other hand, the boyfriend was probably high-fived. Yep, that was super funny sharing a picture of your girlfriend’s breast. Who's laughing now?
Today’s bullying is much worse because of technology. The internet and cell phones make our lives easier, but our creature comforts come with a price, and I’m not talking about money.
My children are still small, although I now have a Kindergartner. My idealism tells me that I have a few more years before I have to deal with this issue, but reality says this is simply not true. Our kids seem to grow up faster than us. They know more at 5, 10, and 15-years-old than we did. I’m ill-prepared for the emotional warfare of growing up, despite having gone through it. I don’t know what to say to my kids if this becomes an issue. I can read books and do all the things I’m suppose to do, but are we suppose to prepare for this? Should we really have to?
While my mother isn’t known for great nuggets of wisdom, I do thank her for this: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Now, if only more Moms would say this to their kids, maybe they would stop being so mean.
Q: What has been your experience with this issue? What advice do you have?
